


will the real slim shady please stand up?

by atlantisairlock



Series: Hello Operator, Please Give Me Number Nine Nine [1]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Marvel Avengers Fusion, And Now For Something Completely Different, Bechdel Test Pass, Ensemble Cast, F/F, Gen, Humor, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-21
Updated: 2015-01-21
Packaged: 2018-03-08 12:25:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3209102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atlantisairlock/pseuds/atlantisairlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Let me get this straight," Director Holt sighs audibly and pinches the bridge of his nose. "You were tackling a small fire in your microwave. And instead of using a regulation fire extinguisher to put out the fire and leaving the situation at that, you ended up causing a Level Four inferno and burned down about three-quarters of the official Babylon Tower."</p>
            </blockquote>





	will the real slim shady please stand up?

**Author's Note:**

> starring:  
> jake as tony - what else?  
> amy as steve - captain amy-rica, ha ha.  
> gina as thor - for reasons.  
> rosa as natasha - she is literally natasha.  
> charles as clint - dogs. a farm. come on.  
> terry as bruce - muscles, aye.  
> holt as fury - poor man is at the end of his tether.

"Let me get this straight," Director Holt sighs audibly and pinches the bridge of his nose. "You were tackling a small fire in your -  _microwave."_  Jake can't tell if he's more surprised at the fact that the fire was inside the microwave or the fact that Jake actually owns one. "And instead of using a regulation fire extinguisher to put out the fire and leaving the situation at that, you tried messing around with your prototype suit, ended up causing a Level Four inferno, and burned down about three-quarters of the official Babylon Tower." 

Jake smiles weakly, his hands positioned strategically in front of his singed shirt. "Just another day on the job, sir?"

 

 

"I can't believe you live five minutes from Babylon and you won't let anybody crash at your place," Jake whines to Rosa, pouting up at her. She doesn't look in the least impressed. "You people already know way too much about me."

He stares at her in disbelief. "I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won't let anybody crash at your place."

Rosa snorts at him and turns on her heel, tossing a casual "Amy might prove you wrong on that one" over her shoulder as she leaves.

"How come Amy gets to stay at your place and I don't? Rosa! Hey! Come on! Rosa!"

 

 

Amy is navigating the six levels of the Tower that have been left standing and aren't charred to bits, searching for her shield. The things she's going to  _do_ to Jake once she finds where he's hidden it, along with the minor detail about, you know, _burning down their entire living quarters!_  

She's thinking hard about it, when she turns the corner and walks straight into Gina. Ow. Let it be known that it is pretty painful to walk into an Asgardian goddess who spends her days dancing to the more poppy Taylor Swift songs that Jake introduced her to, to the rest of the Nine-Nine's eternal regret, and working out in order to keep her abs rock-hard - not like she needs to. 

"BABYLON HATH FALLEN," Gina moans loudly, flapping her giant wolf blanket in Amy's face. "LADY SANTIAGO, WE ARE IN MORTAL PERIL!"

With an air of desperation about her, Amy pats at Gina's hand, casting her a beseeching look. "Gina,  _please_ stop waving Wolfie around." The very thought of a colossal windstorm while Babylon is roofless and  _this_ close to toppling over makes her want to faint. 

Gina doesn't look at all reassured, but at least she ties Wolfie around her neck once more and lets it settle against her back. "WHERE ON MIDGARD SHALL WE RESIDE NOW, LADY SANTIAGO?'

"We'll find somewhere," Amy answers as cheerfully as possible, not betraying her own worry. "Now, could you do me a favour and come help me find my shield?"

"VERILY!" Gina booms, and what's left of Babylon shudders ominously. "LET US PROCEED."

 

 

Terry is, understandably, extremely distressed. The entire laboratory has gone up in flames. He's still got all his research on his various hard disks, of course, but there were quite a few ongoing experiments being conducted and now they'll have to be repeated all over again. And who knows when they'll have unfettered access to a lab as comprehensive as the one he and Jake built in Babylon?

Charles is doing his utmost best to comfort him in the way he knows how. These involve back massages and his dogs, which means they're currently lounging in the nest. It's an honest-to-god  _nest;_ Terry really can't say he's very comfortable perched in it, fifty feet off the ground.  _  
_

"Look, Charles, I appreciate this, but are you sure we're not going to fall out?" He looks nervously at the dogs chasing their tails in the confined space of the nest, barking louder than he likes. 

Charles smiles reassuringly at him, scooping a gloppy mix of avocado onto a dubious-looking bagel. "Don't worry, Terry. We'll be fine!" He tries to be chirpy, then fails, frowning sadly and patting the other half of his bagel down with brows knitted. "Now that our home has burnt down, you can stay here for the night, if you don't have anywhere else." Charles hands the pastry over to Terry. "Bagel?"

And that's about when the nest groans, trembles, and collapses under its own weight.

 

 

"HONOURABLE JACOB!" Gina yells in anguish when they all finally gather up, shaking Jake by the shoulders. "THE SITUATION IS DIRE! WE NO LONGER HATH A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS! WE MUST RECTIFY THIS IN HASTE!"

Jake nods, his teeth rattling. "O-oka-y G-gi-na, can y-you put me d-do-wn first?"

Gina complies, and Jake gets back to his feet, clapping his hands with authority. "Now, due to an unfortunate accident - "

"Jake, you _set Babylon on fire."_

"It was an accident," Jake moans dramatically at Rosa's statement, falling back onto the sofa behind him in an attempt to look theatric, but he misjudges the distance and ends up thudding onto the floor on his rear. "Director Holt already gave me A Long Talk."

"Good," Amy answers gravely. "We have to make plans from here out, Jake. All of us bar Rosa have been living in Babylon full-time, and we have nowhere else to go. We can't be superheroes or the legendary Nine-Nine if we don't even have somewhere to live. We have to find somewhere to stay." Jake raises a finger, and she glares at him. " _Without_ taking gratuitous advantage of SHIELD facilities."

To his credit, Jake nods graciously and spreads his arms, not getting up from the floor. "Well then, the answer is simple! We have to spread our wings! Search for new horiz - "

"Don't talk about wings," Terry grouses from behind. "I just fell out of a nest." 

Jake wrinkles his nose as Charles makes an apologetic noise. "A _nest?_ Really? Okay, anyway, what I mean is, we'll just find somewhere new to live until I build a new Tower!"

"And where will that be?"

He grins cockily. "Just suit up, and you'll see."

 

 

A good hour later, because paperwork/red tape is a Fact of Reality and despite what Jake thinks, Director Holt _cannot_ just _open the hangar doors with his super-secret password and gun the engine_ , Jake is in his Iron Dude suit and navigating the skies as the rest of the Nine-Nine follow behind in the helicopter that Director Holt graciously provided from the SHIELD hangar. They're taking bets on where Jake's going to lead them. So far, the suggestions include a secret mansion along the coast of Macau, an underground base and a nest.

Less than five minutes later, Jake stops and hovers over a house. "Here we are! This is where we're going to stay until Babylon Tower has been repaired!"

Rosa leans over to look out of the window and promptly starts yelling. "What the fuck, Peralta? This is  _my house!_ MY HOUSE!" This is accompanied by Amy's anguished cry, demanding to know why Jake asked for a helicopter when they could literally have  _walked_ to their destination.

Jake has a shit-eating grin on his face as he flies around the helicopter his teammates are in. "Welcome to our humble abode! Don't worry, Rosa. I promise we'll pay rent."

"YOU'RE NOT LIVING IN MY HOUSE, JAKE!"

"That's the spirit," Jake yells, and promptly crashes into the side of the building.


End file.
